it's been a while since i've written about my hair.
looking at baf_f
's dreads, they're long.. as long as my hair was before it started eating itself.. and i found myself having dread envy.. wishing mine were that good looking and thinking i can't wait until mine are that long
.... which could be another year or two at least. i don't know if i'll still have them then, and it won't really matter either way. if i don't have dreads to my butt, that's fine. it was a transient thought.
once they sucked themselves up it was kind of novel to have "short" hair again... though i really missed the animal my hair was when it was in the in between stages. it was a creature, and it made me wild, perfect for the summer.. half here, half there, shaved on the side, kind of bangs in the front, whatever it wanted. whatever i wanted.
now i find it's just a waiting game. and on occasion i find myself missing my brushable hair that would surround my neck and keep me warm. don't get me wrong, they still keep me warm.. but chunks of matted hair are not quite so versatile as single strands can be. sometimes i miss the soft texture of it.
my dreads are still forming, i suppose. thursday a guy that sits behind me in my photo class asked me if i was growing dreads. i didn't know what to say to that.. yes, i suppose. but they're already there. they don't look like "nice" dreads. and they are hard to distinguish because of the color.. if they were bleached you could see each and every one and all the secrets i keep. both are beautiful things, i just didn't know what to say. yes..
there are dreads growing out of my head, if that's what you mean.
the process of hair cannibalism is quite fascinating to witness and host. in the summer, washing the hair and letting it go free, especially with the windows down in the car was enough to get it going and accelerate the tightening... but once summer slipped away, and even though we haven't had a proper winter, it just wasn't the same. i was at a loss for what to do. i liked the pace we were going at here.. and the change of season was just a detriment... but i quickly learned i could help things along by washing my hair two or three times in the shower with the shampoo... and the earliest lesson i learned was to quit conditioner altogether... though sometimes they do get rough... i remember reading something about shea butter or whathaveyou, but certainly conditioner doesn't soften them the way i would like. that's okay.
so from the end of summer until india.. all semester, whether due to the dreads or not, i don't know... i was taking showers just about every day and it was starting to get ugly. i was desiccating in all ways. and it was no good. the semester as a whole was pretty awful, and i am finally seeing a ray of light. i am surrounded by the conversations i lacked so so terribly much. hallelujah.
anyway. thank god for the trip to india. i was restored to a new balance... and have found a good pace in life since i hit the ground running. things are coming together a little every day.. and that is the point. taking it day by day.
i no longer am attached to the notion of having long hair like i used to be. i wanted hair to the small of my back so bad. and it just wouldn't grow there. so i thought.. i'll get dreads.. and that way my hair will stop falling out and can grow longer. what a superficial reason, and thankfully not the true reason.. really.. the reasons came after the fact.
why did i stop brushing my hair in april? because i was inspired. i saw theblanketthing
who'd stopped brushing her hair and thought.. i can do it this way
. taking the time to section and backcomb, and make dreads "proper" was too much. too much work, too much commitment, too much of a big step. it meant too much. but to let it happen naturally.. well, anything could happen. i could naturally shave my head too.. or just as soon cut them off one by one.
it's become a matter of flow. they change a little every day. they change a little more every time i wash them.. they have been my lesson in impermanence and appreciating the uniqueness of "the moment" and "the process" and the culmination of each together... even though the "culmination" is different each moment. i have grown as they have shrunk, tightened, looped, eaten, sucked, twisted, and generally made love on my head. i have ripped some apart, occasionally i regret it. once i latch hooked in extensions, i learned very fast that wasn't for me.
the oldest ones are hard, some have eaten beads and rings entirely, one has a hidden peyote bead, there are wooden beads, a metal ring from Kumbh Mela
, a bead from my best friend of three years who i had a falling out with... each one has it's story, memory, essence. i look forward to the day my head is shorn, i can't wait to release all this pent up energy.. and push on to a new day, a new dawn in my life. it will be glorious. it is glorious.
obviously this isn't just about hair.