find something positive.
here's a text message i sent to j last night:
"i've found a reassuring sense of time- i realized that my dreads are long enough now that i can see them draped across the arm of the couch out of the corner of my eye.. and oddly enough, they make me think 'this too shall pass'."
i've been pretty stressed here lately with all that's going on-- come august, i could be out of a job, out of an apartment, and out of school. i've done everything right that i could possibly do, done everything that i was 'supposed' to do in order to be independent and successful, and yet it's still all fucked up. but last night i was just hanging out with some friends, smoking a bowl and commiserating with each other about life nonsense, when i realized that i could see my dreads out of the corner of my eye. which means they've grown a lot more than i was aware of, while i was busy getting on with life. i sat there thinking about my dreads, and realized that while i originally started them as a way of making my outside represent my inside, they've become my timekeeper. through my dreads, i've found a way to understand my relation to time, and to appreciate how i can endure.
there's been a lot of shit i've gone through in the last (almost!) three years, and i've managed to handle so much more than i would have ever imagined. it's been hard, and i know it's only going to get harder, but it's making me who i am. j told me the other night that he didn't have any answers, but in six months this would all be taken care of. i didn't understand what he was getting at at first, but it's making more sense- even though right now things look really shitty, time will keep on progressing and everything will resolve itself one way or another. it's very much like my dreads- they had a rough start, and although i've tried to affect their development in ways i thought were helpful, it's been time that's had the best and most worthwhile effects.
i find myself playing with my dreads more often these days- but not even so much playing as just touching them. i don't look at my dreads so much anymore; rather, i experience their vitality and health through how they feel in my hands. they've become thick and tight and knotted all of their own accord-- i realized the other day i couldn't remember the last time i did any serious maintenence or even root-rubbing. i haven't palm-rolled in over a year. they've been going through a shrinking phase it seems, as some of the ones with looser sections have tightened up and are now bumpy from uneven shrinking. dreads that were more solid/better back-combed initially are now smooth and dense. i have some rounded tips, and some wispy ends. i have five baby dreads that have all taken hold and are progessing through the young stages; i have two skinny dreadlocks from where sections of my hair have dreaded themselves completely without my help. there's so much going on with my dreads, so much improvement and development that it's hard to look at them and remember the scruffy mess of shoddily-formed dreads they used to be.. and so it is with my life. even though i can't predict now how it'll end up, or even where it is progressing right now, i can have at least a little faith it's doing what it's supposed to be doing, and that the end result is well worth the wait.
i love everything about my dreads and the journey we've been on. i can't wait to see what comes next.
they don't look it so much, but they're actually halfway down my back.